A Public Service Announcement for Men

We have a local pub in the neighborhood with good eats and great brews. On the nights when there is no band to entertain, the pub is host to Karaoke, a most amusing practice of taking a perfectly good song, stripping away the vocal track, and handing a microphone to a bar patron to sing it. There's nothing like watching a slightly inebriated volunteer who, after downing a few drinks, grabs hold of the microphone and attempts to belt out a song slightly out of key and give the audience an interesting interpretation of lyrics slurring out of his or her mouth. Notice I said watching. The listening is an entirely different experience. The neighborhood dogs are known to howl for miles around - and I'm not sure you want to know what they are saying.

But I digress (I know, I am easily distracted - sorry).

Gentlemen, listen up! If you should ever find yourself in a pub with Karaoke tempting you to show off your vocal instrument, it is rather important to make sure you heed the following advice. Take a careful look at the song list and make sure you strike off certain songs simply not designed to be sung by our gender. While Joan Jett can rock with the best of guys, and Heart's Annie and Nancy Wilson can kick ass with the uber macho, the reverse rarely works. Not sure why, and that's not the point of this important public service announcement!

There is no particular order here, but if you see ANY of these on your karaoke list, do yourselves a big favor and move on to another song...



Nope, this just won't work for you - trust me!



Now I don't care how toe-tapping and up-beat this tune is, there is no amount of alcohol that will pull you out of the fire once you shout out those initial words, "Let's go girls!" Yikes!

So... you may be thinking (not too sharply after four or five beers) that you could make a go of this one:



Well I'm here to tell you to put the mic down and back away slowly! I don't care if your friends said they would stand next to you as back-up singers, swaying and cooing "Ah, ooh!" in rhythm to the song. Remember, they are as drunk as you are!

I realize the above were some of the more obvious tunes to avoid, but there are others whose titles do not have an easily recognizable "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" warning flag to you manly men. There are lots of treacherous songs on a Karaoke list that are manly Karaoke disasters waiting to happen. For example:



You really didn't think you could pull off that breathy post-orgasmic sigh like Diana Ross, did you? Sheesh! Besides, as a real man, you'd be snoring, not sighing after an orgasm. Save the hangover for the Jack Daniels you're throwing down for the night.

One last category that you should avoid on your list of bad Karaoke choices falls under the "I'm The MAN" genre:



Er... um... this might work for Right Said Fred, but it just doesn't have the same effect with you prancing around in jeans that fit snug 15 years ago, and sort of still do although at a much, much lower position with butt-crack showing and your belt buckle turned downward pointing in a south-south-east direction. Add to that the sight of those graying back hairs working their way through the holes in your 1986 NCAA tournament tee, and you have the recipe for a stampede to the exit doors. Please don't do it!

Well fellas, due to time constraints, this public service announcement must end here. Gentlemen, if you are still confused about selecting Karaoke songs, please feel free to message me. Always remember, choose wisely.

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